Distant

From the album The Sun Is Often Out (1996)

Lyrics:
All the songs that I’ve sung you
More often than you Know
You’re the love that I’ve clung to
More often than I’ve let it show.

And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn’t need me
And I wish I didn’t love you so.

Cos I just can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong
No I won’t do you harm
My love for you goes on and on

Theres no-one else I want beside you
Give me your coldest shoulder to cry upon
You’re never anywhere I find you
You’re never anything I rely upon.

And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn’t need me
And I wish I didn’t know.
That I just can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong
No I won’t do you harm
My love for you goes on and on
No I just can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong
No I won’t do you harm

My love…..
goes on and on and on and on and on and on on and on and on
and on and on and on on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on.

My husband is in the back room playing his computer games and I am in our bedroom staring at the window. I do not suppose we could be more distant.

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Doubt

I do not like to admit that sometimes I have doubts about the choices that I have made in my life. However in the small hours of the night when I cannot sleep, I wonder if I could have made a better decision. Would I be a happier person? I do not suppose I will ever know. I have not allowed my mind to travel to an alternative reality.

 

I suppose I am in no doubt that I am very in love with my husband. I love the bones of him. I am certain that there is nobody else that I want to be with.

 

Does that make me a fool?

Each day begins anew…

On Monday morning in the shower, I decided to take a new attitude. I was going to start over, afresh. Having not really slept at all during the previous night, something had to chance. I decided to change my attitude to all that has been happening. I was drawing a line in the sand and moving on. I was going to focus on my own needs and improving my state of well being and everything else would have to follow on from that. I just don’t have time to be analysing his every word or lack of action. I cannot tie my feelings about life and myself on everything he does. At some point it has got to stop. So it ends now. 

Sleepless in…

It is early Monday morning, I am lying awake unable to sleep. Thinking about what just happened between me and my husband – the banter that was less than pleasant and more accusatory. It is all making me feel a bit sick and miserable and I do not quite know what I have done to deserve this. I am trying so hard to be loving and caring but it feels like he is just pushing it back in my face. It seems that the more effort I make, the worse it gets. 

I should try and get back to sleep. I have work in a few hours.

Love is a stranger

It’s Sunday afternoon, I am lying in bed in my husband’s T-shirt and watching Sneaky Pete. I am feeling relaxed. I ran just under 5km this morning with my running group. I felt great after the run but also exhausted. I got home just after ten and slept until after one o’clock. I got up and made a carrot, pepper, radish and tomato salad to go with the leftover lasagne that I made last night. I ate lunch with my husband, then washed the dishes and had a long refreshing shower. I washed a heap of washing and put it out onto the radiators and clothes horse. In between all of this I signed up to parkrun UK so that I can run on Saturday mornings for free at local parks. I have my barcode now I just need to wait for a free Saturday morning. I am not sure how I will fit it in with my Sunday morning runs but will see how that goes.

I spoke with my husband yesterday, not about baby matters, but about my sense of paranoia and insecurity in our relationship. I asked him if I he was emotionally detached from me. He told me that he was not detached. He told me that he loved me. When he asked me what had lead me to come to this conclusions, I mentioned a few things but mainly his behaviour in the evenings after work. He told me that it was because he was tired – emotionally and physically drained – and therefore at that point in the evening he did not want to interact with anybody anymore. He told me that in the evenings he just wanted to be on his own and be in his own little bubble. He did not have it in him to engage with me the way that I wanted.

I suppose it the complete opposite for me – I want to come home and have somebody to interact with (i.e. him) and feel that somebody wants to talk to me and take interest in me and my day. Maybe it’s selfish of me, I do not know. I too come home emotionally and physically drained but I save a little something for him. I will make fuss over him, I remember when he had a problem with his legs I would massage them when he came home and cook dinner  even though I might be tired myself. I gave, I gave the little that I had to him.

He told me that he is a independent person.

I thought about all of this while I was stirring the sauce for the lasagne. I wondered if I still had reason to be paranoid. I wondered if I just just been fobbed of and that was the definition of emotional detachment. I thought that purpose of being in love and in being in a relationship was that you did make the special effort for that special person. And if you found that you could not , you looked for a way to change it, you addressed it. I wonder if my sisters and my mother are  right, and that despite his declaration of love, his actions show something else.

I am lying in bed now and he is on his computer. We are in separate rooms doing separate things. It fills my heart with sadness. We we meant to go and see film this afternoon and he said he was too tired. I suppose I should have gone to see it by myself but I guess I was feeling tired too. He said we could watch a film on TV at home later this evening. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. I guess this is what he means when he says he needs to be alone and by himself. But this is a Sunday and he has not worked today.

Am I in denial of what is happening to me? Am I paranoia? Is this normal? He told me that this was how marriage was after a while. Daily grind, routine and not really that exciting. It’s funny because up until we got married – life was quite the opposite. I do not know what to think or do anymore. Or rather, I know what my mother, sister and best friend advice me to do. It is easier said than done. My sister and my best friend keep telling me that I should go to counselling. Maybe I do need counselling. Maybe I have watched too many silly films and silly books and have a ridiculous notion of what love should look like. It feels like I am the one who makes all the effort. I am the one who makes the home cozy and lovely. Yes, the flat is old and in need of repair but I make it a sanctuary. I cook new recipes, I ask him what he wants to eat. I make him a cup of tea in the evenings, two sugars no milk, just as he likes it. I do all this even when my brain is screaming tiredness. I do not know what else to do. They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. I am not sure we even have a marriage here. At the moment it seems that I we are just flatmates. Sometimes it feels like he is this strange man is living in my flat. A stranger. I am not sure where the man I married disappeared to.

 

Storm Doris

It is Sunday morning, I am lying in bed getting ready to get up and start the day, but I feel so low. I do not know why. I think perhaps I am thinking too much. I have been awake since five o’clock worrying about work and my life. I have a gnawing anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that just will not go away. I had a long talk with my husband yesterday that made me feel much better about many things but at the same time plunged me into a deep pool of darkness that I just have not quite been able to swim out of. I am wondering if this is all hormone based. My period is due soon and this feeling of impeding doom and gloom accompanied by occasional pelvic cramps is not uncommon for me. I have experienced this for the past 25 years, so it is no surprise really. The day my period starts it’s like a bubble bursts and the tension just flows away. So I guess I’ll just hang on and let this storm pass.

Baby

I would like to have a baby with my husband. I would like to be a parent with him. I would like to be pregnant and experience the joy and excitement of life growing within me. I would like to have a family life and all the highs and lows that come with that. I am not baby mad but I do want a baby. It’s not to fill some emotional black hole or some other unmet need. It just feels that that is the next natural progression in my life. My husband on the other  hand does not share my views. I am not sure if he will ever see things differently but I have a ticking clock that is not on my side. I have to decide whether a relationship is more important than a baby. I had always had the belief that of course the former was more important. In the job I do, I know that there are no gurantees that babies will come or parenthood will be as one might romantically imagine. However I had did not factor in the situation where the other person in this so-called hallowed and precious relationship would be selfish. I had not considered that a relationship might turn sour and then one could be left high and dry. I was a little naive.  At the movement I am in a place where, babies are not likely to be made anytime soon, either by accident or deliberately and the relationship is uncomfortable and painful. I am in a place of sadness and despair. There are of course exit strategies but I am too scared and fearful to jump. I am not sure I can do freefall right now. This situation has of course leaked into other areas in my life and has left a stain that I hope I can wash out and stop from spreading too far. I do not sleep well. My eating is impulsive and unhealthy. I do not seek out my friends like I used to. I am emotionally replete. I am drained. I have nothing to offer anybody. Work is perhaps the only thing that I can do. There is a purpose and plan when I walk through the office doors. There lists of things to do, meetings to attend, people to meet. In a way, but only a little, this gives me feeling of validation, acceptance, worthfullness that I am not currently getting from the relationship with my husband. Everything about this situation is screaming ‘LEAVE’. I am an intelligent , attractive woman in her 40s , I am enlightened enough to know that I do not have stay and put up with this. But somehow I am still here. I don’t know why. Somehow I ask the man who tells me that I annoy him, what he wants for dinner tonight. Somehow I am planning two holidays with him. Some people might ask me what happened to my sense of self respect. Some people might ask me why I have not thrown this man out of my home and my life. Some people might ask me why I do not hate him as they are actively hating him on my behalf. I do not have the answer to these questions. I certainly do not like what is happening right now. I do not like the way he talks and treats me at times. However I am like a rabbit in the headlights , frozen and unable to make the move that everybody is telling me to make. I do not do free fall. Maybe that should change.