I am in a state of internal turmoil. When I said yes all those months ago – did I do the right thing? Did I really do the right thing? Did I really know what I was letting myself in for. Was I too much of a hurry to get married. Should I have waited for longer with this person or should have been looking for somebody else.
Am I having second thoughts? When I said my vows just a few months ago – I meant every word I said. I even cried during the thing I was so choked with emotion. And now…? Now…?
My heart tells me that I not going anywhere. That secret voice inside never gave me any options. Whenever the thought of not being with him entered my mind – I would be filled with a sense of wordless horror. I do not even know what the name of that emotion is. I just could not contemplate a voluntary life without him. Even now, with all the pain he is causing me, I cannot image being without him. I cannot imagine being with anybody else and allowing them to cause me the same amount of pain. I am sure there is something wrong with me. I do not know what this irrationality is. My options are not only limited but also unpalatable and to a large extent unimaginable.
Maybe that is the problem – I cannot image – what a better relationship might look like. I cannot image, envisage, contemplate, dare to hope that I could expect something better. It is also true and most likely that there is nothing better. This is life.
My head tells me that I should never let anybody control or destroy my happiness, peace and joy. My head says that there are other people out there that can bring you what you need. My head also says that I am the most important person in the equation. My head says that while I could runaway, it would not change the fundamental problems. My head says that it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire. My head says that I should stop, take deep breathes and be calm. My head tells me that worrying about excessively is not going to help. I have increased the number of grey hairs over night and my cycle is out of sync. My head says chill and think it through.