I’ve never had much time for the notion of ghosts. It is asking for trouble to entertain such thoughts. Yet at the same time, when my dear father passed on, I took the fluttering on and off street lights to indicate that he was communicating with me, telling me he was OK and in time, I too would be OK. And yes, we are, I am in a better place but the loss is still deep. I do not claim to sense the presence of my father but there are days when the pain is acute. There are days when I wish, just wish he was around.

However, I am wondering how he would react to my current predicament. I am guessing he would say “I pity you”, “I told you this would happen and you did not listen”, “Why did you not listen?” , “I was trying to help you”. I am sure he would give me that look, a mixture of sadness and pity, that would cut deep into my soul. The look that made me feel like the worst person in the world, the look that made me feel like a disappointment, the look that probably drove me in to the arms of the man that is now my husband. Life is complicated.

My wish would be that if was something in the ether, he would say “don’t worry my daughter, all will be well”, “I understand why you did what you did”, “we can find a way to help you”. It is a wishlist.

Instead, I continue to try and manage my grief, complicated by the insane events that occurred in the last six months before he passed away. I am not sure how I kept afloat at that time. Well, I know how I did. The man that is my husband, held me up and supported me, at the same time that my father was asking me to renounce him. Life is complicated. If I was not with this man, that is my husband, I do not know how I would have got through one of the most horrid times in my life. He kept me strong in ways that I do not even understand. It is strange also that this same man has the power to turn me into a weak blubbering wreck. Life is complicated.

I prefer to think of my father in a place of perfect paradise. I prefer to think that he is rid of this rotten but beautiful Earth and is in a place of peace and harmony.


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