Impasse

Impasse

Here’s the rub, I want a baby, to start a family, he does not want to do that yet. Yes, we have only been married for 2 months but I am 40. It was never going to be easy…

I don’t feel a strong biological urge or drive to reproduce. I just would like a shot, a chance at creating a family and family life for the two of us. It never occurred to me that he would say ‘no’. I just assumed that he would realise that despite his hesitance and reluctance, if we wanted our own babies we would have to start soon. But no, he give a million and one reasons why he does not want children right now. It does not really matter what they are, the long and short of it is that he is just not ready for the responsibility. Which seems odd, he is 38. I on the other hand am terrified of having children – what it will do to my body and my bank account but I think they are worth the sacrifice.

I am not sure what I am going to do. I am very limited in my options at the moment. It’s not that I did not know about this before I got married but at the same time we talked in real terms about the children we were going to have and how we were going to bring them up. I was thinking that this was going to be soon.

This is what has is what had caused me so much pain anguish and turmoil. I had always accepted that with my age and other medical conditions getting pregnant and pregnancy would be a challenge. I had always accepted that for these reasons I might not have a baby. However never envisaged that the man that I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with would be a barrier to all of that. Once again my father’s warnings come back to haunt me.

I am afraid.

I feel like I am at an impasse and there is no way forward. I of course know that there is one thing in my control, that I could just stop taking and bingo, a baby, but that is wrong. It would essentially destroy our mutual trust  and our relationship. I cannot do that. I want a family not just a baby. This feels like a nightmare from which there is no waking up from.

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