Hope deferred, love lost

Hope deferred, love lost

I am somewhere between sleep and restlessness.
This was a pretty awful weekend for me the worst in my short married life. I have not told you yet that my husbands latest obsession is with buying a new car. But not just any new car – a top of the range SUV costing over 20 thousands pounds. To me this is the craziest idea in the world. Yes – I have the largest salary and it is higher than most people’s, because I have a job with huge responsibility. However that is not how I want to spend my money. He on the other hand earns very little and is now working part time and there is now way he could afford this on his own.
So there are multiple issues going on here.
The bottom line for me is that we do not need , at this moment in time such a new and expensive car. Yes – we could probably use a second car but not a 20K version. Especially when he has been driving for 2 years and has had two accidents in my car (that I paid in full for, 2nd hand, low mileage and does what it needs to do) and made no real effort to sort out the damage that he caused. So you can see why my enthusiasm is non existent. Also while his driving is probably good – he is still a bit vulnerable and does not read the road so well. I literally snooze with one eye open when I am driving with him, I cannot relax. I guess it’s because I know many roads well so I am looking and seeing the hazards before he had even thought of them. It is like driving with an 18 year old and you would not buy an 18 year old a brand new car. Also our insurance is likely to have gone up following  the big claim over the summer (new bonnet, bumper, radiator grill, front headlamp holder) so I dread to think what this new insurance plan would cost.

He has decided that to finance the car we should take up one of these personal contract schemes. In this scheme you pay an initial deposit , then regular payments for a set period (3 – 4 years) and then you have the option of making a final payment (likely around 10K) to complete the balance owing on the car. Then only then will you actually own the car. Or you an put the money owing on another new car , trade in the old car and start a new contract.

This does not appeal to me at all, apart from my flat which I am paying my mortgage one,  I have fully paid for everything that I own. Because I only buy what I can afford. I have a credit card that I use sparingly and I save money each month to the extent that sometimes there is hardly any money in my current account. I suppose I am saving for a rainy day and forever trying to save for a deposit on a house that I might own in the future – with my husband.

He does not really have, according in my opinion, a tangible  career plan. So I fail to see why he gets to get a new car, without a plan to increase his earning capacity. I knew when I married him that he was never likely to earn as much as me but I accepted this, but did not expect that he would be demanding things that he could not realistically afford.

So we have had a few heated arguements about this, including one in front of my younger brother , who tactfully kept quiet, but later said to the both of us “you have both made valid points”. And later in private with me acknowledged that my husband clearly had a different attitude and upbringing around money.

These arguments have left me stressed and emotionally drained. He has descended to shouting and swearing at me. Calling me retarded and miserable with my money. On Saturday evening he stormed off and he went to bed without talking to me.

I was shocked. I was really shocked. I could not see what I had done to deserve this – all I had done was express an opinion on something and try to apply some good financial sense to this madness.

Sometimes what my husband does make some valid points about existing outside comfort zones and pushing boundaries. But I think he does not understand that stepping outside financial comfort zones and boundaries is not something I can agree to at this stage in my life – for a car that we do not need and I do not want. In my mind he is behaving like a teenager with no sense of financial responsibility. He has never really had to manage a household so does not really have an idea of the unexpected expenses that might occur. I ‘subsidise’ his existence he does not contribute to the mortgage (maybe that was a terrible concession on my part) so I think that he had an inflated sense of what he can pay for on his salary.

So I crawled into bed with my husband  on Saturday night. I reached over him and switched on the  bedside light and forced him to listen  to me. I told him that he was being disrespectful and rude to me by treating me in this way. I told him that I had not done anything wrong but express my opinion and concerns about this huge financial commitment he was driving us towards.I gave him all the reasons for my fears and concerns – many of them related to all the uncertainties about his job and health and career . I told him that I feel like that I on my own when it comes to the financial side of things and expected to carry the weight, I told him I was not used to asking for money because I have always lived within my means. However, whatever my reasons for my fear,  I told him that it just was not on to treat me this way or else there was no point to our relationship

I reminded him of our wedding vows

How we promised to love and respect each other

And I told him that even though I too could find him annoying  – I still love and care for him and actively show  him in many ways each day and I also respect him.

I told him that I could not see him acting in the same way to me

I told him that he has hurt me and scared me by refusing children now

But that I understood his fears

And despite the effect it will have on me

I have agreed to be patient – for a while – and wait

I pointed out to him, that unlike him, I had not descended into swearing and insults because I could not get what I wanted . I told him not having a healthy baby when I physiologically can is more of a burden and a life changing thing that not having a 20K car that we do not really need.

He grumbled and moaned and told me he felt he was feeling  that we were stuck. He was afraid that my fears would make our lives miserable. And that maybe he might find his own way. He told me that I had really pissed him off.

I did not really know what to say after that. He turned of the the light and said he wanted to sleep. I did not sleep well and woke up with a tension headache.

In the morning, he apologised for swearing at me but told me that I had “really pissed him off”.

So now I am not sure what I am. I know I am extremely unhappy and miserable. I cannot believe he would treat me this way. I do not know to do. It’s not all bad but when it’s bad it’s horrible. I feel alone and unloved.





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