Yes, it appears that this marriage business is a really hard slog. Nobody said it would be easy. I did not think for a minute that it would be a walk in the park. However, I suppose I was not expecting so much conflict and tension so early on in the marriage. We’ve only been joined together in holy matrimony for two minutes!
I sometimes wonder if we should have gone to pre-marriage counselling but I guess we thought that as adults in our late 30’s we knew enough about life and each other to make a go of it. Even that sounds bad – “making a go it”. Before I was married, I was very optimistic and I had high hopes. I thought love would be enough. I though love would pull us through. I suppose it will, I suppose it has to.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband very much. Sometimes, I wonder if I love him too much because, I think I let him get away with things that perhaps others would blanche at. I might do things for him that other might shake their heads at. Maybe I am a bit of a soft touch, I guess I cannot help myself. And sometimes I do these things even when I do not want to or even if I think that he does not deserve these things. Sometimes it just feels like hard work. Maintaining a cheerful demeanour, when really, at times, I am just so angry with him. “How could you do this to me?” It is very hard to push that thought away. I have to work hard to remember all the good and positive things. But it is very difficult.
I wonder what I deserve and I wonder what I have. I wonder if the issues that we are facing right now are distracting me from the bigger picture. I wonder if the issues that we are facing now are nothing compared to what is coming. I wonder if the issues that we face are a reflection of who are are as a couple. I am trying to keep perspective.