Tried to do things a little differently yesterday. Left work on time. Got home at a reasonable hour and went out with my husband for a drive in the country.We drove to the nature reserve where I used to go to with my family when I was growing up. It was a nice evening, the sun was setting, taking the edge off the heat and the moon was bright and luminous looking. It was just pleasant – we sat a bench watching the moon on the water and engaging in chitter chatter, mainly about, you’ve guessed it, cars.
We did at one point vere from the path and talk about babies. I was looking at a bright light in the sky, that I thought was a star and I told my husband that we should make wishes. Then he told me that he knew what I had wished for “babies”. Well he got that right.
I had dinner with him for the first time in a long time and we had a long talk afterwards. It was open, honest and refreshing and I think we understand each other better. I certainly understand the roots of some of his behaviours and I will have to be more mindful of that when I speak to him about sensitive topics. Out talk cleared the tension which had been making things a little strained at home.
I guess it seems that we are both unhappy in our own ways and have found different ways of coping with our internal misery. On some level, I knew he was not happy and I was doing my best to comfort him, without fully addressing the issues. The issue of his health and future career felt sensitive and not something that I could do anything about. I had tried to be as encouraging as possible, as supportive as possible, but at the end of the day, it would be down to him to make the necessary moves. However, I was unaware of just how deeply unhappy it made him, and how it seemed to be the driver for other things, the obsession about the cars, the ambivalence about future family. Its a domino effect.
Where do we stand now? I am not so sure but I do know now that we have be more transparent in our discussions. I am not going to say that I will need to be less outspoken, because, I cannot be, but I might try and bear in mind what he is really hearing when I say what I say. I have made it clear to him that we both have to be respectful to one another, even if we completely disagree with each other’s view point. Without respect, there was no point and we will not work.
So this morning I feel lighter and more hopeful. Let’s see what the rest of the day brings.