And I cannot sleep. Because he has woken me up. And the underlying rage, anger and disappointment comes bubbling back up to the surface. And I start to recall the last thirty minutes with the lens of misery. He comes home, slightly inebriated at half past midnight. It wakes me up and immediately brings on a tension headache that has apparently been waiting in the wings. I ask him how he is and how his evening went and he tells me. He sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and says nothing more. He then starts mumbling about needing some food because he has not eaten since lunchtime. I bite my tongue, to stop myself from enquiring why a grown man would not ensure he had eaten if he knows that he is going to be drinking all evening. So I bury myself further underneath the covers and listen while he busys himself in the kitchen making himself a snack. In the meantime my mind is whirring.
“He did not ask me how I was and how my day when”
“He did not comment or thank me for cleaning the kitchen”
I am upset. He has been off work for three days. In that three days I am not really sure what he achieved. However, I know it was not keeping the flat clean. I spent my Saturday morning doing all the washing up that he had failed to do in three days and cleaning the kitchen floor which he refuses to clean but has the time to complain about if it looks messy. Yes, I am upset. However, I did not have the energy to express this. Anyway, it would have been lost on him, in his current state and I am tired of the feeling of tension in the flat and being the one that seems to initiate it.
And of course, this is how things slide. This is how behaviours become entrenched. This is how I end up feeling that I am to blame for the things
that I am unhappy about. I am not sure if I will address it tomorrow. What is there to say? I can barely remember the last time that he went out with his work colleagues and came back a little squiffy. And really, it is my distress about other things that is fuelling my insomniac inscriptions and irritation. Fight the right battle.