And so we have another conversation about family life and the way forward. Except of course, it starts with the conversation about the car. I cannot remember how we got there but I told him that part of my issue with this situation (apart from the fact that, I don’t think that we need a brand new 2nd car; I think he can get what he wants with a nearly new or 2nd hand car; in honesty if he wants a car, he should fund and buy it himself; he still does not have a practical plan in place for how he will achieve his career; he still has health issues which are not getting worse but are not improving) is the fact that he does not seem that interested in my biological issue of having children. He had said that he was not ready for a family yet but there did not seem to be a plan for when he might review that. All he focuses on and thinks about is this car. I told him that he does not seem to have acknowledged the emotionally impact on me, he has offered me no comfort, nothing. But everyday talks about this car. I told him, I was not sure what I needed from him but all I knew was that I needed something and while this something was missing, I felt bereft, lost, angry and miserable. I told him that despite this, I was still helping him with this car issue. I told him that it was not something I was doing willingly but I could see that it would make him happy. I told him that, that that did not mean that I would just accept anything, and that I would alway challenge something that I did not feel was right or did not make financial sense. I told him, how could he not expect me to do otherwise? He is telling me how to spend my money and asking me to fund something that I do not really want. Most people would quite frankly, tell him where to get off, but understood that this was his dream so I would help him. I am either incredibly generous or horribly naive.
He then went on to tell me the most soul destroying things a person could hear.
He told me that he never wanted to get married. He said that he only did it because it was my dream. He felt pressured by my family and me. He said if he knew just want the wedding would cost (I guess he is forgetting that he did not pay much out of his own money as I recall) he would not have gone ahead with it. He told me that he did not quite realise just what it meant to be married, in that there was so much expectation for children, including from me, my family, his family, his friends and work colleagues. He told me that the wedding was just a party and words were just words and people split all the time. He wondered if he had made the right decision in marrying me. He told me that I was a much better person than him.
I asked him what he would do if I got pregnant as no contraceptive was 100% fail safe. He told me that I should get an abortion. He told me if I was pregnant and I deliberately stopped taking the contraceptive, he would see that as betrayal of trust and would runaway to Italy or to a friend’s ‘couch’. He then said that perhaps he would not physically runaway but he might emotionally withdraw. I asked him what would happen if we split and he married somebody else who wanted children, would he have them, he said that he might, but he might choose somebody that did not want children. When I asked him how he would feel, if either he or I were unable to biologically have children, he told me he would be relieved. I said to him, like you have dodged a bullet, and he said yes.
I was sent spiralling into a state of numbness, unable to really process what I had heard. Knowing that something deep inside had cracked and broken but the pain would be unbearable so I just stared at him, watching his lips moving and hearing my dreams disappearing into smoke.
I did not sleep well at all on Friday night. I woke up again with head and body tension. I found myself looking up the government website about how to get a divorce. Seems it is much easier to marry than divorce…
I told my husband this as he put his clothes on in the morning, he told me he was disappointed that I had done that and how did I think that made him feel. So I told him, that it probably felt the same as hearing that your husband would leave you if you got pregnant.
And then we went of for yet another test drive.
I just do not know what to do or think. I feel shame, hurt and guilt. I feel like I have bought this upon myself and I have none but myself to blame. I wonder to myself, if deep down I knew all these things that he was saying were true but could not face the reality and just buried. I think all the people around me knew this, especially my family. I think I thought that he really meant everything he said during our weeding vows. I remember asking him a few times during the lead up to the wedding, whether he still wanted to go ahead and his answer was, yes, because otherwise his parents and relatives would be very upset. I guess that should have told me everything I need to know. When it came to writing our thoughts on marriage for the wedding ceremony he only had one line, I had to add the rest to save us from embarrassment but I had written a whole essay. Was I blinded by love?
And the end of this evening, he still told me that he loved me, but I had to wonder, if this is really what love looks like. Do you tell your wife of 40 years old, to abort a healthy fetus, just because you aren’t ready. Do you tell he you would leave her if she had the baby? I am just in pieces.
I was with my mother this weekend and I told her small amounts of information, the whole story is too painful and shameful to share. She gave me some good advice but the thing was I had already implemented it, with no effect. I am too ashamed to tell her that my husband does not listen to me. I am too ashamed to tell he that I married a man who tells me that if we had children, it would ruin his life. Who wants to hear that? Yet when I ask him what he is dreaming about, cars, driving in his new shiny car is all he dreams about.
I just do not know what to do. It feels like I being made to feel constantly ‘wrong’, like I am asking too much for things in life and in this marriage. It is not an option for me to just leave. I made promises in front of him and family and friends. And I actually like him and love him to pieces. Maybe I love too much. However, I do not know, if I can tolerate being treated in this way. I do not know, how long I can tolerate feeling so unloved and uncared for. It is chipping away, eroding, my soul in a way that I am finding increasingly hard to recover from.