If I am being honest with myself, I would tell myself that the reason I am in this situation, is fear and worry of being alone. I am a victim of listening to the increasing loudness of my biological clock. I was in fear of being childless and husbandless. This lead me to tolerate situations that, perhaps if I had not hit the panic button, I would agree are unacceptable. I remember clearly that the thought of being alone used to fill me with terror and panic, I heart rate would increase, I would breath a little faster and I would feel as though I was falling into a void, place that had no end, no sides just emptiness. It was a pretty intense emotion.
I guess it is never too late to change things around. I guess that it is never too late to start again. I guess I need to learn to be happy on my own, except being on your own really sucks! It’s not a joyous place to be. But I suppose that being disrespected and maltreated is even worse.