And here we are, eighteen days into the second month of the year. Things are much the same because, but infinitely worse because I am still here. The world, my world of familial carers are telling me to go, something within me tells me that I do not deserve this, that I should go. However, something else is not letting me make the moves that I should make. Something is holding me back. Sometimes, I feel like the rabbit in the headlights, so scared, that I am rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to remove myself from harms way. I simply do not know what is wrong with me.
What does life look like in the month of hearts and romance? It was a Valentines’ day ruined by a somebody so selfish I found it difficult to draw breath. It is evenings spent watching another person fixed to a computer screen for hours and hours. It is pinching myself to make sure that I am still alive, living. It is a heart and head that are numb. Numb, because to feel would be to destroy myself. I am not ready to do that yet. I have no plan B, I have no safety net.
Instead I have found consolation in music – my current favourites are Rag ‘n’ Bone man and Ed Sheeran. Yes, very 2017, very unusual for me. However, there are some songs that sing to the soul. There are some songs that take you away from the reality of your situation. There are some songs that tell you of life and a love that you can only dream about. There are some songs where you say, “That’s me! That’s my life! You get it, you get it…”
I will have to do something. In the meantime I write, my fingers dance across the keyboard with a lightness my heart could only hope to feel.