I have had my sister and my mother telling me in no uncertain terms that I should leave my husband. They are very clear that he is not a positive addition to my life. They see that he is wasting my time and using me. It’s all very painful for me to hear. My sister and my mother are talking about divorce and moving on with my life.
I guess that’s not so easy for me. Even though at times the view from the outside looking in , is much the same as the inside looking out, I still cannot bring myself to separate from my husband. I could not really tell you why. Sometimes I think it is because I promised to stay for better or for worse. I took those vows seriously and I cannot just throw this relationship away. Some might ask what is there to throw away? Some might say he is not meeting any need of yours, so what is there to stay for.
However I am hoping that things will be salvageable. I am hoping that we will find our way together. It maybe that I am living in a fantasy world, cloud cuckoo land, la la land. Who knows. All I do know, is that as bad as I am feeling now, I am not ready to heap more destruction on myself. I am not ready.
My sister says that I am weak. That I should stand up and be a strong independent woman. I am not really sure what that means really. I already feel broken inside, I’m just holding it together because I am not sure I would be able to gather all the pieces once this thing explodes. I suppose I would be able to cope and manage, I just cannot see it now. I suppose I might be a better person once I am reformed. I remember reading about the Japanese art of Kintsugi . Rather than disguising the breakage, kintsugi restores the broken item incorporating the damage into the aesthetic of the restored item, making it part of the object’s history. Kintsugi uses lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver, platinum, copper or bronze, resulting into something more beautiful than the original. Maybe that will happen to me. Maybe it won’t. I am afraid.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
I came to the conclusion this week that I should perhaps think about improving myself without having shatter my heart and soul. After all, if I was contemplating a new relationship , I would have to examine me, myself and I and ensure I did not make the same mistakes. I had decided earlier that 2017 would be a year of healing and self improvement and treating myself as I deserve to be treated. In this way, I might stand a chance of living a normal life.