Baby

I would like to have a baby with my husband. I would like to be a parent with him. I would like to be pregnant and experience the joy and excitement of life growing within me. I would like to have a family life and all the highs and lows that come with that. I am not baby mad but I do want a baby. It’s not to fill some emotional black hole or some other unmet need. It just feels that that is the next natural progression in my life. My husband on the other  hand does not share my views. I am not sure if he will ever see things differently but I have a ticking clock that is not on my side. I have to decide whether a relationship is more important than a baby. I had always had the belief that of course the former was more important. In the job I do, I know that there are no gurantees that babies will come or parenthood will be as one might romantically imagine. However I had did not factor in the situation where the other person in this so-called hallowed and precious relationship would be selfish. I had not considered that a relationship might turn sour and then one could be left high and dry. I was a little naive.  At the movement I am in a place where, babies are not likely to be made anytime soon, either by accident or deliberately and the relationship is uncomfortable and painful. I am in a place of sadness and despair. There are of course exit strategies but I am too scared and fearful to jump. I am not sure I can do freefall right now. This situation has of course leaked into other areas in my life and has left a stain that I hope I can wash out and stop from spreading too far. I do not sleep well. My eating is impulsive and unhealthy. I do not seek out my friends like I used to. I am emotionally replete. I am drained. I have nothing to offer anybody. Work is perhaps the only thing that I can do. There is a purpose and plan when I walk through the office doors. There lists of things to do, meetings to attend, people to meet. In a way, but only a little, this gives me feeling of validation, acceptance, worthfullness that I am not currently getting from the relationship with my husband. Everything about this situation is screaming ‘LEAVE’. I am an intelligent , attractive woman in her 40s , I am enlightened enough to know that I do not have stay and put up with this. But somehow I am still here. I don’t know why. Somehow I ask the man who tells me that I annoy him, what he wants for dinner tonight. Somehow I am planning two holidays with him. Some people might ask me what happened to my sense of self respect. Some people might ask me why I have not thrown this man out of my home and my life. Some people might ask me why I do not hate him as they are actively hating him on my behalf. I do not have the answer to these questions. I certainly do not like what is happening right now. I do not like the way he talks and treats me at times. However I am like a rabbit in the headlights , frozen and unable to make the move that everybody is telling me to make. I do not do free fall. Maybe that should change.

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3 thoughts on “Baby

  1. I think writing this post helps you to decide what your future should be and you are able to look more from a bird’s perspective and see things clearly. Maybe you could make a list on pro and con and make a decision afterwards. I wish you all luck and that you will end up with your baby

    Liked by 1 person

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