Today when I was driving home from work in my sisters car, I felt so sad. So so sad. I don’t know why. As if there was no hope at all. I walked into my flat and kissed my husband hello. He told me about his day – busy and productive and told me off for something that I had said about him last week. Then we proceeded to have a conservation about the fact that he found many things annoying about me. Well, we only got as far as one thing because he would not tell me anymore. But it left me in a state of extreme paranoia. He told me that he does not like it when he climbs into bed at night and I start to cuddle him. He told me that he does not like it because it just wants to get to sleep. I felt horrible hearing that. He told me he tolerates it because he knows I like to cuddle him but this addendum did not make me feel any better. I did quite know what to say about that.
I love my cuddles at night – it is the one thing that gives me comfort after a horrible day , I forget about all the despressing things when I am snug and warm. I am not sure if this does not count as emotional abuse. I certainly should not be sitting around to take this nonsense. I am not sure what to do.
I have had my sister and my mother telling me in no uncertain terms that I should leave my husband. They are very clear that he is not a positive addition to my life. They see that he is wasting my time and using me. It’s all very painful for me to hear. My sister and my mother are talking about divorce and moving on with my life.
I guess that’s not so easy for me. Even though at times the view from the outside looking in , is much the same as the inside looking out, I still cannot bring myself to separate from my husband. I could not really tell you why. Sometimes I think it is because I promised to stay for better or for worse. I took those vows seriously and I cannot just throw this relationship away. Some might ask what is there to throw away? Some might say he is not meeting any need of yours, so what is there to stay for.
However I am hoping that things will be salvageable. I am hoping that we will find our way together. It maybe that I am living in a fantasy world, cloud cuckoo land, la la land. Who knows. All I do know, is that as bad as I am feeling now, I am not ready to heap more destruction on myself. I am not ready.
My sister says that I am weak. That I should stand up and be a strong independent woman. I am not really sure what that means really. I already feel broken inside, I’m just holding it together because I am not sure I would be able to gather all the pieces once this thing explodes. I suppose I would be able to cope and manage, I just cannot see it now. I suppose I might be a better person once I am reformed. I remember reading about the Japanese art of Kintsugi . Rather than disguising the breakage, kintsugi restores the broken item incorporating the damage into the aesthetic of the restored item, making it part of the object’s history. Kintsugi uses lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver, platinum, copper or bronze, resulting into something more beautiful than the original. Maybe that will happen to me. Maybe it won’t. I am afraid.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
I came to the conclusion this week that I should perhaps think about improving myself without having shatter my heart and soul. After all, if I was contemplating a new relationship , I would have to examine me, myself and I and ensure I did not make the same mistakes. I had decided earlier that 2017 would be a year of healing and self improvement and treating myself as I deserve to be treated. In this way, I might stand a chance of living a normal life.
It’s funny how something started in jest could end up leaving me feeling so hurt and horrible. Another layer of dignity stripped from my soul.
I jokely said I would burn and replace a pair of jogging bottoms that he has had for years. It’s something that I tease him about but it is just that – a tease nothing serious. I told him they were unflattering on him. Then he retorted by saying that if he had to do the same for me then he would have to get rid of 80% of my wardrobe. Did not make me feel so good. Made me feel 100% horrible.
Maybe I just cannot quite believe what is happening to me. I see it , I feel it but I cannot make the next step to process it and come to the natural and logical conclusion. Everybody else around me is very clear on the matter. Everybody can see what this is.
What is wrong with me?
For the first time in a long time, I cried. It all got rather too much for me. He had told me that this day meant nothing to him. I understood that but I told him that it meant something to me. It seemed that that still did not matter to him. In the context of trying to work out if my needs were important or even acknowledged by him, I made a fuss. And when my fuss, of him and of it, were not appreciated in the way that I expected. Well, it was just too much for me. I cried but the tears dried up pretty quickly because it became apparent that there was a coldness and indifference from him that took my breath away. I do wonder if the frost came from knowledge, that I told him that he was the sole cause of my sadness, unhappiness and distress. When I told him I thought perhaps I had married the wrong man, he did not disagree. There was nothing to say after that.
‘I need to be with you’
Six little words.
Innocent cries of a wounded animal…?
‘There is an aching in my soul that will not be contained until I feel your touch, until I am in your warm embrace’
She thought it was the call of the bright young soul. She thought it was the call of steady soul. She thought it was the call of the old known.
However three days later she realised it was none of those things.
And here we are, eighteen days into the second month of the year. Things are much the same because, but infinitely worse because I am still here. The world, my world of familial carers are telling me to go, something within me tells me that I do not deserve this, that I should go. However, something else is not letting me make the moves that I should make. Something is holding me back. Sometimes, I feel like the rabbit in the headlights, so scared, that I am rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to remove myself from harms way. I simply do not know what is wrong with me.
What does life look like in the month of hearts and romance? It was a Valentines’ day ruined by a somebody so selfish I found it difficult to draw breath. It is evenings spent watching another person fixed to a computer screen for hours and hours. It is pinching myself to make sure that I am still alive, living. It is a heart and head that are numb. Numb, because to feel would be to destroy myself. I am not ready to do that yet. I have no plan B, I have no safety net.
Instead I have found consolation in music – my current favourites are Rag ‘n’ Bone man and Ed Sheeran. Yes, very 2017, very unusual for me. However, there are some songs that sing to the soul. There are some songs that take you away from the reality of your situation. There are some songs that tell you of life and a love that you can only dream about. There are some songs where you say, “That’s me! That’s my life! You get it, you get it…”
I will have to do something. In the meantime I write, my fingers dance across the keyboard with a lightness my heart could only hope to feel.